Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
