I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
