I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The air was thick with penises
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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