I cannot find my penis.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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