I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
sarcasm needs its own font
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You ruined the universe
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
