i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
