dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
