the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
