i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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