I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
