I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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