Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
