im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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