I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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