If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
