Someone shit on the floor
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
