I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
