I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
