i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
