Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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