he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
