I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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