bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
God, I missed his penis.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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