I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
