i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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