The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
