What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
