Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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