I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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