Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
