so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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