I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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