All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
