This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
