there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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