it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
