Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
