um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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