non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
