Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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