But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
