So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
