i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
