i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
