i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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