while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
