Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
