I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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