I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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