Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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